Welcome to the second in a series of child-centric articles designed to better help you connect with and support the children in your life.  Topics are selected based on the most frequently asked questions we hear at LDC - if you have an area you'd like to see us cover please reach out and let us know!

Understanding Children: When Enough is not Enough

Noticing the moments when a child seeks more

As with all behaviors, we suggest that parents first distinguish whether a particular behavior is one that is out of the ordinary or one that is ongoing and persistent. Seeking external gratification comes in many forms, including needing more attention or resisting being alone (not feeling comfortable on one’s own), being resistant to going along with the family’s routines or activities, being especially “picky” about or unsatisfied with food, or not feeling satisfied with the possessions one has. Is a child’s seeking of external gratification symptomatic of a recent event (e.g., could it be a reaction to something like the arrival a new sibling, the start of a new school year, or another significant change?) or does it seem more persistent?

Bringing a child’s attention to their inner world

The seeking of external gratification – or external remedies – may be a sign that there is an uncomfortable or bad feeling a child is experiencing that  they are trying to cover, get rid of, or distract from. In cases in which this type of behavior is an uncommon occurrence, parents may be able to pinpoint the trigger and gently bring their child’s seeking of an external remedy to their attention. For instance, a parent could say, “Nothing seems to feel right or good enough lately. Things have been feeling a little different since [the change]. I will keep this in mind and give you some extra help.” When the cause is unknown, a parent can comment accordingly, “You’ve been needing more [such and such] lately and I’m not sure why that is. I can get this for you, and it may help for a little while, but it won’t fix the problem on the inside that is bothering you.” These types of comments can open doors to further communication, potentially leading to discussions that help a child recognize that their use of external gratification is an attempt to alleviate some internal discomfort.

Outside fixes vs. inside fixes

An “outside fix” is an attempt to alleviate discomfort with something external (such as a reward or toy). An “inside fix” addresses the inside problem and brings a child’s attention to their inner world, helping them recognize how their internal states of mind drive their needs and wishes. Ideally, help for a child’s internal discomfort consists of a healthy blend of both outside and inside fixes, for instance providing some additional nurturing and support while gently talking about the reasons why such help is needed. Helping a child with the root cause of the behavior will have deeper impact and a better chance at providing lasting relief for the discomfort.

For more information on the types of services available to young children and their social and emotional development, see our website at www.lucydanielscenter.org.